Well here is my special report.

Matt: Okay. Here we are standing outside of the arena awaiting Morrison. (looks to camera guy) make sure you get their good side.

CAM: But didn’t Melina have Botox injections?

Matt: Well you know what I mean. Just make sure you can see the star quality.

CAM: Okay?

Matt: Oh here they come.

Melina steps out first. Waving at her adoring fans. Her face showing little emotion. Lurking in the back is Morrison who seems to appear from behind her with a pink Cardigan coat draped over his arm. Obviously for Melina.

Matt: John, John Morrison over here.

Melina looks annoyed. She plops her arm out to block access to Morrison.

Melina: (obviously annoyed) So which one of you is Matt?

Matt: ME! Mr. Matt B. Wrestle. (puts out hand)

Melina: Oh okay. (ignores hand) I want to know why you forgot to invite me?

Matt: I heard you were busy. But he was free. I called your agent.

Melina: (to herself) I will have to fire my agent. (Really mother)

CAM: It is nice to meet you

Melina: Yeah. I know right.

By now Morrison has moved from behind her shakes my hand.

John: Hi Mr. Wrestle. You ready to shadow us for the next week or so?

Matt: Ready when you two are.

Melina: Come on Matt we have to go see Vince about an upcoming program.

 We follow John and Melina as we go into Titan Tower. Once we enter into the lobby I can feel an aura of fear from the other employees when they see Melina. John receives pretty positive smiles and waves (minus of course from the frightened females) Making our way to Vince’s office Melina stops off at the vending machine and grabs some skittles.

Matt: So I hear you like those alot?

Melina: (Shoots glare) What of it? You going to chastise me too?

Matt: No just saying you could spokesperson for them.

She seems to really ponder the question before shaking it from memory.

Melina: No. Vince wouldn’t allow it.

John: (to Melina) So what are we going to ask him?

Melina: About pushes of course. Now that that heffer Mickie James is gone, I should be getting a bigger push. Isn’t that what you want?

John: Of course. I’ve had my push its your turn. (editors note* Morrison was given a push when he was ECW Champion, before the scandal that followed the Chris Benoit tragedy, With his name popping up on a performance enhancing drug list. Since John has kept a low profile.)

Walking into Vince’s office we watch as he is having an impromptu meeting with Michael Hayes, discussing the proposed push of Mark Henry.

Hayes: He’s a big boy that Henry. Dark vicious and mean. He can be America’s biggest fear of the coloreds getting out of their place.

Vince: You think that could work.

Hayes: Yes, you’ve seen the movie King Kong?  The ape leaves the island and terrorizes New York.

Vince: OH YES! We should work up posters of Henry clinging to Empire State Building with a look of menace, followed by that phrase he would say…uh uh

Matt: “Dig down to the white meat?”

Vince looks up seeming ly oblivious to who I am. Hayes has a disgusted look as if I took his favorite toy.

Vince: That’s right! Hayes work on that right away with marketing.

Hayes gets up staring at me as if I shot his dog and mutters obscenities as he leaves. Not even acknowledging Morrison or the Camera Guy for that matter. Only a sly wink at Melina. Who seems to casually nod in response.

After watching what just went down my stomach turned sour. I knew I was in for a long ride.

Last week, I felt like shit. In fact, thats mostly what I was doing. Throwing up and shitting. I felt like a walking John Cena joke minus the gay. Even the curative magical properties of Velvet Sky’s bubbly perfect bouncing ass couldn’t get me out of my funk, and Lord knows she certainly did try. I guess this was my body telling me I should have watched Wrestlemania instead of missing it for the first time in almost twenty years. Keeping this one short, there isn’t even going to be The End of the Universe this time. Oh well, I’m back now…..

Point 1. Let me repeat this: I did not see Wrestlemania. The only way I would regret this decision was if they actually pulled the trigger and had Shawn Michaels defeat The Undertaker. The only thing I can say I’m pissed about from reading is was that The Colons have the tag titles and thanks to last night’s draft it dosen’t appear to be rectified anytime soon.

Something that did bother me coming out of Mania wasn’t a match at Mania, but the reaction to it. I read and heard a good bunch of bitching about “OMG, Triple H beat Orton AGAIN” Well……yeah. Was any other result really expected? Given the storyline, given Hunter’s “emotion”, there couldn’t have been any other result besides Hunter winning. For those bitching, “its just Hunter going over at Mania again.” Triple H hadn’t won at Wrestlemania since he humiliated Booker T at Wrestlemania 19. This includes losses to Chris Benoit/Shawn Michaels (remember, that never happened), Batista, John Cena, and Randy Orton last year in a Triple Threat with Cena. It’s not that big of a deal. That said, now that Hunter is “home” on Raw again, I fully expect the Hunterbeast to chew Orton up like a Christian fed to the lions.

Point 2. I know I’m alone in this, but….I’m not a fan of “Santina” Marella. Don’t get me wrong, its hilarious, but the pathetic kind of funny instead of the comedic kind. Santino Marella winning Miss Wrestlemania = Hilarious. “Santina” Marella winning Miss Wrestlemania = Ugh. I guess its going to be Friday now where “Santina” has to make out with The Great Khali on the Khali KissCam in his new shiny red pants. I hope this ends by Backlash, and with Beth Phoenix beating the shit out of “Santina”

Point 3. I know its hopeless, but the only thing I want out of baseball this year is the Yankees not making the playoffs again. To them, thats as good as last place even if they win 95 games, which they could do and still finish in third place in the AL East. Of course, if the Yankees actually DID finish in last place, that would be infuckingcredible and I think I would actually buy a drink to celebrate.

Point 4. The Brian Kendrick is freaking awesome. Last year, when he first turned heel he was amazing. He was good enough that WWE put him in a main event level match at a pay-per-view in one of the “Scramble” matches. After that, they forgot all about him and now they’ve been using him simply to job. Why???? You give him a character he’s run with and do nothing else with it? I don’t get it. I’m not saying TBK should be knocking off Edge, Triple H, Cena, Taker, etc in World Title level matches, but you couldn’t tell me The Brian Kendrick couldn’t run over ECW with Ezekiel Jackson in his corner. Maybe the supplemental draft will send him there….

Point 5. The WWE Draft was last night on Raw, so……..that happened.

What looked like an absolute prison rape being done by Raw to Smackdown turned into a series of rough handjobs by the end of the night.

Raw ends up getting Triple H (what a stunner), Matt Hardy, Big Show, MVP, The Miz, and Maryse.
Smackdown ends up getting Chris Jericho, Rey Misterio, C.M. Punk, Kane, and Melina.
ECW ends up with Vladimir Kozlov. (SIDE NOTE: Ewww….maybe TBK couldn’t run over ECW *rollseyes* )

I’m not going to into any deep analysis of this until after Wednesday’s supplemental draft because most of the questions will be answered then by midcard moves, but I do have a few quick notes.

With Triple H moving back home to Raw, Chris Jericho and C.M. Punk moving to Smackdown was literally the greatest thing that could have happened to them. Look back in history, there’s only one thing Triple H likes to do more besides eating and destroying Randy Orton……eating and destroying Chris Jericho, or does someone have to go watch what happened at Wrestlemania 17 and what happened after that? Punk would have been in the lower midcard by default if he had stayed on Raw. It will be interesting to see how Edge and Chris Jericho end up interacting however.

How long before the McMahon/Triple H feud against Randy Orton and Legacy turn into The McMahons and D-X against Randy Orton and Legacy?

Maryse to Raw with the Butterfly belt, and Melina to the B-show with the Women’s Title? Really? Confusing.

I don’t even have the words to describe my disgust and anger over what WWE just did to John Morrison and The Miz. I really don’t. They finally have a chance to restore some faith in the tag team division in WWE and they promptly take a giant dump on it.

Next week, when I do another one of these (maybe), I’ll have The End of the Universe, Chris Benoit, and “Just because its popular dosen’t mean it dosen’t suck”

Until next time….

G-Bag