Thursday, April 2nd, 2009
After years of training, dues paying, and languishing in obscurity;its time to step up to the “sorta” bigleagues.
Heres the first step.
Get used to it, and then we’ll talk.
Tags: Array, Disasterpiece, Images, Interwebs
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Wednesday, March 25th, 2009
Remember when wrestlers went by their name? Back in the day- There was a wrestling match. 2 guys came in and they had a nickname to match their gimmick. Dick “the Bruiser”, “Ox” Baker, “Cowboy” Bill Watts. Or their nickname had something to do with their finisher-Stan “the Lariat” Hansen comes to mind.
Then someone decided we had to stretch it a bit. We got “Prince of Darkness” Kevin Sullivan” , “Boogie Woogie Man” got tacked onto “Handsome Jimmy Valiant”, “Raging Bull Manny Fernandez”, “The Yellow Rose of Texas” David Von Erich had a “Modern Day Warrior”for a brother.
I personally blame it on Dusty Rhodes. He was simultaneously “The American Dream”, “Stardust”, “The Peoples Champ”(looooong before the Rock- which is another story)not to mention his un-official ones like “The Splotch” or “The Lisping Scar” that I and my friends gave him. Then there were his alter egos- Evalude Slim, The Midnight Rider,and “Frank James”.
I know, I know. Its not TNA, but I noticed something Friday night. Apparently, along with “The Game’”The King of Kings”"The Cerebral Assassin”"The Connecticut Blueblood” and “Triple H”; Hunter Hurst Helmsley is also “The Cure”. Jumpin Jeebus! You need a scorecard to keep up with him! And dont get me started on The Undertaker. “Booger Red”? Really?
AND then in TNA land (thanks to The Green Teabagger) we have”The Greatest Wrestler of All Time, Best Wrestler Alive Today, 34-time World Champion, 163-time Tag Team Champion (148 of which he carried a partner, of those 3 he held with a midget as a partner, one reign where his partner was a blind three-legged alligator with lockjaw, rabies, and hepatitis B, and Spider-Man (contractually obligated to do so by Universal Studios Florida)), The Greatest X-Division Champion of All Time, Greatest IWGP Champion of All Time, 4-time Winner of the Jeremy Borash Award for TNA’s Sexiest Bachelor, Father of the Year, Time Magazine Man of the Year, 3-time Emmy Award Winning, 2-time Grammy Award Winner, Academy Award Nominated, Four Star French Chef, 39-time winner of the Annual Kurt Angle Great American Award (only other time awarded to JBL), Nobel Prize recipient in the fields of Physics and Literature, three-time NHL MVP, Masters Champion, the only person to win a World Series of Poker event with an UNO deck, the only American to ever be Prime Minister of Canada, recipient of the the Lifetime Acheivement Award for Outstanding Accomplishments in the Field of Excellence, the only man to ever beat Chuck Norris in a fight, reigning World Record Holder for eating the most sticks of butter in under eight minutes, once bowled four perfect games in a row then bowled a 400, the face on the $40 bill, American Idol winner, saved a bunch of money by changing his car insurance to Progressive (made Geico Gecko tap out in six minutes), replaced James Guttman as The Black Scorpion in WCW, 4-time Tiddlywinks Champion in Mrs. Biederman’s kindergarten class, 2-time Obie award winner for his riveting performances in The Vagina Monologues, Level 80 on Hello Kitty Island Adventure, has America’s highest Credit Score (8 billion), recieved the NAACP Humanitarian Award for beating up Al Sharpton, can cabbage fart the National Anthem, Adult Video News Award Winner for ….Best Male Newcomer, Performer of the Year-Gay Video, Transsexual Performer of the Year, Best Anal Sex Scene, Best Oral Sex Scene–Video, Best Threeway Sex Scene–Video, Best Interracial Release, Best Supporting Actor–Film, Best BiSexual/Gay Video, Best Couples Sex Scene (w/Karen Angle), World’s Greatest Grandma (has the mug to prove it), who correctly predicted all 63 games of the NCAA Tournament each of the last twelve years (obviously won every NCAA pool he was in), Olympic Gold Medalist and All-Around Super Ultra Mega God Kurt BY GAWD Angle!” Everyone and their brother’s dog has to have a catchphrase nickname. “The Monster” “The War Machine” “The Queen of Hardcore Knockouts”"The Icon” “The King of The Mountain; The Founder of TNA”
FAR TOO WORDY!
Entertainment is one thing, but do we really need all these catch phrase nicknames? 40 percent of a 2 hour show is spent just spouting nicknames. Therefore, I propose this:
From now on;for ease of clarity on all TNA broadcasts,no nickname can be more than 3 syllables.
Big Sexy Kevin Nash will now be known as OLD Kevin Nash
Freakzilla Big Poppa Pump Scott Steiner will be CREEPY Scott Steiner
The Blueprint Matt Morgan will be Who’s He? Matt Morgan
Any X division wrestler will be known as SPOT MONKEY
Anyone facing Kurt Angle will be known as THE JOBBER
Fuck Eric Young will be known as FUCK ERIC YOUNG- why mess with success?
Your olympic blah blah blah yadda yadda Kurt Angle will be GREAT BIG EGO Kurt Angle.
Now with 40 minutes more air time,maybe they can actually put on some…..y’know- WRESTLING!
Next time- my master plan for promos!
Tags: Alter Egos, Array, Boogie Woogie Man, David Von Erich, Dusty Rhodes, Greatest X, Handsome Jimmy Valiant, Hunter Hurst Helmsley, Iwgp Champion, Match 2, Modern Day Warrior, Raging Bull Manny Fernandez, Stan The Lariat Hansen, Tag Team Champion, Teabagger, Time 4 Time, Time Grammy Award Winner, Time Magazine Man Of The Year, Time World Champion, Universal Studios Florida, Wrestling Match
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Friday, March 20th, 2009
Am I the only one who wonders about the logic (or lack thereof) that is the storylines of Total Nonstop Absurdity?
To whit:
When did Abyss get the girl?
A year ago, wasnt he Father James Mitchells bastard spawn? And had a half brother named Judas Messias(or was his name Claude Rains-because he dissappeared without a trace)
Then he was put in a rubber room and given shock therapy to get over his violent urges- and before that, he had been revealed to be a murderer and an ex-con. Just that right there should be enough to get him a “sleeping single in a double bed” award from any woman this side of Lizzy Borden. (The real one with a fancy for axes- not Rob Black’s wife who has a fancy for everything this side of the sixth ring of Dante’s inferno if the price is right)
When did Traci Brooks become a referee? Wasnt she just the onscreen representative and mouthpiece for the knockouts and answering to Jim Cornette, like 2 weeks ago?
If Rock and Rave are gone, what is to become of Christy Hemme? She hasnt had a solo story line in 2 years, except when she got fed to Kong and buried quicker than Joe tapped to Kurt.
And speaking of SamoaNew Jack Joe? He comes in as a strong style stiff pureso style quasi- shoot fighter. Fans are begging for Joe’s push. Then comes the juggernaut named Angle. Fans are sporting erections that they could crack walnuts with over the thoughts of a Kurt/Joe 60 minute iron man down broadway. And they wait. And wait some more. And they get treated FINALLY to Joe tapping out in 8 minutes and looking for all the world like the worlds biggest bitch. In the words of Crazy Uncle Vizhiri (iron shiek) Khoslov “Leetle punk faggot son-of-bitch I weel humble! I fuck his ass in ring!” is what King Kurt did.
Now where is he?Give him new tights, a haircut, and draw a tribal design penis on his face….and VOILA! Instant cross between New Jack,Umaga,baby-puntin Snitsky, and evil Kane. Except for one thing. The gimmick doesnt fit.
Throw that one on the Bizzarro world garbage pile, IMO. Right next to The love guru,Super Eric, Lil’ Poppa Pump, and Black Macheezeball.
And look at Thursday night. THe Motor City Machine Guuns( arguably the best tag team in the biz today IMO) against a team from NJPW. Not exactly Go Fixer vs Dragon Gate, but a damn fine paring nonetheless. And they get curtain jerker status AFTER MEM gets 23 minutes for nothing more than to recycle Angle & Sting dont like each other, Foley misses the ring, and Angle dont like Jarrett….
Dont get me wrong- TNA has a ton of potential. But right now its stagnant. If they were wildly successful at one point, I’d say they are resting on their laurels- but they never were! Right now, its like stepping into a time machine and watching a Generic NWO suck the last drop of life out of WCW.
If some of the up and coming talent of any organization- TNa, ROH, or WWE got a third of the air time that Middle-aged Ego Mafia gets weekly, the wrestling landscape would change figuratively before our eyes.
Instead we get “HEY1 THIS WEEK ITS KURT VS.JARRET, WITH STING AS SPECIAL ENFORCER AND MICK FOLEY AS REFEREE! TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO SEE STING VS. FOLEY WITH JEFF JARRETT AS SPECIAL REFEREE AND KURT ANGLE AS SPECIAL ENFORCER! AND AT OUR NEXT PAY PER VIEW IT WAS JUST ANNOUNCED- KURT ANGLE VS STING IN A WORLD TITLE SUSPENDED FROM A POLE REVERSE ELIMINATION IRON MAN CHALLENGE WITH MICK FOLEY AS SPECIAL REFEREE!”
Welcome to bizarro world, kiddies. You dont have to be drunk as a monkey or stoned to watch us- but it sure does help!
Tags: Absurdity, Abyss, Array, Axes, Christy, Claude Rains, Crazy Uncle, Dante, Dante Inferno, Dante S Inferno, Half Brother, Iron Man, Iron Shiek, Jim Cornette, Judas Messias, Juggernaut, Knockouts, Lizzy Borden, Man Down, Mitchells, Mouthpiece, Murderer, Rubber Room, Shock Therapy, Shoot Fighter, Sleeping Single In A Double Bed, Snitsky, Storylines, Traci Brooks, Tribal Design, Umaga, Whit
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