Whats in a name?
Wednesday, March 25th, 2009
Remember when wrestlers went by their name? Back in the day- There was a wrestling match. 2 guys came in and they had a nickname to match their gimmick. Dick “the Bruiser”, “Ox” Baker, “Cowboy” Bill Watts. Or their nickname had something to do with their finisher-Stan “the Lariat” Hansen comes to mind.
Then someone decided we had to stretch it a bit. We got “Prince of Darkness” Kevin Sullivan” , “Boogie Woogie Man” got tacked onto “Handsome Jimmy Valiant”, “Raging Bull Manny Fernandez”, “The Yellow Rose of Texas” David Von Erich had a “Modern Day Warrior”for a brother.
I personally blame it on Dusty Rhodes. He was simultaneously “The American Dream”, “Stardust”, “The Peoples Champ”(looooong before the Rock- which is another story)not to mention his un-official ones like “The Splotch” or “The Lisping Scar” that I and my friends gave him. Then there were his alter egos- Evalude Slim, The Midnight Rider,and “Frank James”.
I know, I know. Its not TNA, but I noticed something Friday night. Apparently, along with “The Game’”The King of Kings”"The Cerebral Assassin”"The Connecticut Blueblood” and “Triple H”; Hunter Hurst Helmsley is also “The Cure”. Jumpin Jeebus! You need a scorecard to keep up with him! And dont get me started on The Undertaker. “Booger Red”? Really?
AND then in TNA land (thanks to The Green Teabagger) we have”The Greatest Wrestler of All Time, Best Wrestler Alive Today, 34-time World Champion, 163-time Tag Team Champion (148 of which he carried a partner, of those 3 he held with a midget as a partner, one reign where his partner was a blind three-legged alligator with lockjaw, rabies, and hepatitis B, and Spider-Man (contractually obligated to do so by Universal Studios Florida)), The Greatest X-Division Champion of All Time, Greatest IWGP Champion of All Time, 4-time Winner of the Jeremy Borash Award for TNA’s Sexiest Bachelor, Father of the Year, Time Magazine Man of the Year, 3-time Emmy Award Winning, 2-time Grammy Award Winner, Academy Award Nominated, Four Star French Chef, 39-time winner of the Annual Kurt Angle Great American Award (only other time awarded to JBL), Nobel Prize recipient in the fields of Physics and Literature, three-time NHL MVP, Masters Champion, the only person to win a World Series of Poker event with an UNO deck, the only American to ever be Prime Minister of Canada, recipient of the the Lifetime Acheivement Award for Outstanding Accomplishments in the Field of Excellence, the only man to ever beat Chuck Norris in a fight, reigning World Record Holder for eating the most sticks of butter in under eight minutes, once bowled four perfect games in a row then bowled a 400, the face on the $40 bill, American Idol winner, saved a bunch of money by changing his car insurance to Progressive (made Geico Gecko tap out in six minutes), replaced James Guttman as The Black Scorpion in WCW, 4-time Tiddlywinks Champion in Mrs. Biederman’s kindergarten class, 2-time Obie award winner for his riveting performances in The Vagina Monologues, Level 80 on Hello Kitty Island Adventure, has America’s highest Credit Score (8 billion), recieved the NAACP Humanitarian Award for beating up Al Sharpton, can cabbage fart the National Anthem, Adult Video News Award Winner for ….Best Male Newcomer, Performer of the Year-Gay Video, Transsexual Performer of the Year, Best Anal Sex Scene, Best Oral Sex Scene–Video, Best Threeway Sex Scene–Video, Best Interracial Release, Best Supporting Actor–Film, Best BiSexual/Gay Video, Best Couples Sex Scene (w/Karen Angle), World’s Greatest Grandma (has the mug to prove it), who correctly predicted all 63 games of the NCAA Tournament each of the last twelve years (obviously won every NCAA pool he was in), Olympic Gold Medalist and All-Around Super Ultra Mega God Kurt BY GAWD Angle!” Everyone and their brother’s dog has to have a catchphrase nickname. “The Monster” “The War Machine” “The Queen of Hardcore Knockouts”"The Icon” “The King of The Mountain; The Founder of TNA”
FAR TOO WORDY!
Entertainment is one thing, but do we really need all these catch phrase nicknames? 40 percent of a 2 hour show is spent just spouting nicknames. Therefore, I propose this:
From now on;for ease of clarity on all TNA broadcasts,no nickname can be more than 3 syllables.
Big Sexy Kevin Nash will now be known as OLD Kevin Nash
Freakzilla Big Poppa Pump Scott Steiner will be CREEPY Scott Steiner
The Blueprint Matt Morgan will be Who’s He? Matt Morgan
Any X division wrestler will be known as SPOT MONKEY
Anyone facing Kurt Angle will be known as THE JOBBER
Fuck Eric Young will be known as FUCK ERIC YOUNG- why mess with success?
Your olympic blah blah blah yadda yadda Kurt Angle will be GREAT BIG EGO Kurt Angle.
Now with 40 minutes more air time,maybe they can actually put on some…..y’know- WRESTLING!
Next time- my master plan for promos!
Tags: Alter Egos, Array, Boogie Woogie Man, David Von Erich, Dusty Rhodes, Greatest X, Handsome Jimmy Valiant, Hunter Hurst Helmsley, Iwgp Champion, Match 2, Modern Day Warrior, Raging Bull Manny Fernandez, Stan The Lariat Hansen, Tag Team Champion, Teabagger, Time 4 Time, Time Grammy Award Winner, Time Magazine Man Of The Year, Time World Champion, Universal Studios Florida, Wrestling Match
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