Anger Management – Episode 2

By Green Teabagger | April 3rd, 2009

PARENTAL ADVISORY: Green Teabagger’s thoughts are not safe for work, home, church, hospitals, probably not even the internet. Hell, Green Teabagger himself isn’t safe for work. The following is a pile of mostly wrestling-related profanity filled rants, thoughts, beliefs, and ideas that he has whether he is watching wrestling, at work, at home, watching cheesy Japanese anime, making fart jokes, and/or taking a dump after eating dinner at Taco Bell. There’s a fairly decent chance he’s wrong about something, but screw it. It’s his screwed up head. He runs with his thoughts and isn’t afraid to spew off about them all. You’ve been warned.

Let’s get to the rants…..

Point 1. Wrestlemania is Sunday, and I can’t believe I’m about to say this. Fuck Wrestlemania.

The first Wrestlemania I ever saw was Wrestlemania 6–Warrior v. Hogan Title v. Title for the WWE and Intercontinental Titles. While I was not a Hulkamaniac, a Warrior, or a crazy sociopathic Jew-hating homophobe, I knew this was special. I haven’t missed a Mania since. That said, I have no intention of giving WWE $55 for this. This is not a special event anymore. The only match on the card that makes me even think about it is HBK and Undertaker. I said that on the first Anger Management and my opinion hasn’t changed. If it were still $40 like it was even seven years ago, I would certainly do it. In this economy, though, I just can’t justify it, not for this. Not for Trips-Orton 8,000. Not for ANOTHER Cena-Edge showdown, even if the match hype has been all about whether Vicki Guerrero loves Edge or Big Show (what the hell?). I just can’t get into it. I think I’m gonna watch baseball, or Family Guy, or nothing.  The only way I’m watching this is if someone comes to my house and offers to split the bill.  Either way, I’ve got Wrestlemania predictions. DISCLAIMER: All predictions are guaranteed to be wrong, unless I’m right.

Chris Jericho v. Superfly Jimmy Snuka, Rowdy Roddy Piper, and Ricky The Dragon Steamboat (Ric Flair in their corner) in a Handicap Match: Fuck me. Jericho has to beat all three of his opponents to win this match. I’ll go with the obvious say Jericho gets by Piper and Snuka, only to fall to Ricky Steamboat in the end (thanks to Flair). Jericho deserved better than this, but I’ll get to that.

25-Diva Battle Royal: I understand Trish Stratus might show up for this, if she does, she wins. If not, I’ll bet on Beth Phoenix and then Beth Phoenix beats up Michael Cole. (OK, I want that one to happen but if it does, I am buying the replay.)

Money in the Bank Ladder Match–CM Punk, Kofi Kingston, Finlay, Christian, Kane, Mark Henry, MVP, Shelton Benjamin: Kofi Kingston, Finlay, Mark Henry, and Shelton Benjamin have little to no chance of winning. MVP might win based on his recent winning streak, but he’s the US Champion and WWE usually dosen’t have reigning champions win MitB (SIDE NOTE: On Smackdown tonight, MVP defends the title against Shelton Benjamin so this point might be moot and No, I haven’t seen spoilers and I try to avoid them). Christian just returned to the WWE so thats doubtful (more on this later). That leaves Punk and Kane. While CM Punk might be the obvious choice, I’m not sure WWE is going to book him to win twice in a row. Granted, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised or upset by it. I just have this hunch Kane is going to win Money in the Bank. Kane can go on and lose whatever title match he chooses to take when the champion is “disadvantaged” (face it, he’s not winning it again and he’ll probably cash it in against SuperCena) and not be harmed irreparably.

The Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels: Match of the Year Candidate. Anyone in WWE that isn’t a main eventer should study this match after its done. See what they did right and realize why Undertaker and HBK are where they are on the card, and why they’re either stuck in the midcard or doing Money in the Bank every single year (I’m looking at you, Shelton Benjamin). Obviously, the Undertaker is going to win but at least this year its conceivable that HBK wins this match.

WWE Unified Tag Team Title Match w/Lumberjacks–WWE Tag Team Champions Carlito and Primo Colon versus World Tag Team Champions John Morrison and The Miz: I said it last week and I’ll say it again. John Morrison and The Miz are the best team WWE has had since Demolition. There is no way in hell that they should lose this match. That said, since there is lumberjacks and most of them probably aren’t going to be Morrison and Miz fans, I wouldn’t be stunned if the Colons (pronouncing it colon, not cologne) won it. In a world of winners and losers, the two men who should rise above and become the Unified Tag Team Champions should be John Morrison and The Miz.

Jeff Hardy v. Matt Hardy–Extreme Rules:  This will be a showstealer no matter how it plays out. I like how they’re having Matt be the calm, cold, calculating heel just waiting for the chance to strike with Jeff being the emotional, angry, batguana crazy face in the feud. This should tear the house down, and assuming Mark Henry’s fat ass dosen’t break them all, expect even sicker ladder spots than in the MitB match. I think Jeff gets the win here, but this will be far from over.

Intercontinental Title–John Bradshaw Layfield (c) v. Rey Misterio: The rumors are that JBL will retire after this match as the Intercontinental Champion, and with the news coming out that Tazz is leaving WWE since his contract has run out (not even doing Wrestlemania) we can pretty much assume that JBL will take over Tazz’s color commentary spot on Smackdown once again (SWEEEEEEET). JBL has promised to do something historic at Wrestlemania and that would do it. He may even announce his retirement before the match and still lose the title to Misterio. I’d like to think Misterio wins the title, but I’m not sure JBL loses his last match if this is his last match. For argument’s sake, I’ll say Misterio wins the Intercontinental Title. At least this belt will weigh less than he does this time.

World Heavyweight Title Triple Threat Match–Edge (c) v. Big Show v. John Cena: The story about this is the love triangle between Edge, Show, and Vickie Guerrero. EXCUSE ME! I’ve had enough of Vickie Guerrero. I had enough of her on Smackdown and then they plug her as interim GM for Raw. Ugh. Anyhow, Vickie declared that whomever wins the match between Show and Edge gets her heart too. John Cena is here for the sole purpose of winning the World Title. For that reason, plus the fact that he’s SuperCena, I’m picking Cena to win the title and then Edge and Show can have their little pissing contest over Vickie on Smackdown. Whatever.

WWE Title Match–Triple H (c) v. Randy Orton (shitboy): Yay….Triple H-Orton again. I know its a different, far more intense storyline leading up to this, and I think WWE has done a good job with this but I can’t say that I’m excited for this match. I don’t care that the worst kept secret in wrestling finally went public (Trips’ reallife marriage to Stephanie McMahon). I know it will even be one hell of a match. I just don’t want to see a McMahon turn here, beyond that I’ll be happy. I don’t think this feud will be over after this one match, but for argument’s sake I’ll pick Triple H to win this match.

Point 2. I am sick and tired of reading about how Christian is being punished because he went to TNA. TNA is not a blip on WWE’s radar. Christian was a midcarder when he left WWE, despite a main event run in TNA before they fucked him over. Let’s not forget that. WWE does not see Christian as a main event star no matter what you, me, the marks, and the monkeys think of him. If WWE really was punishing him, Christian wouldn’t even be on Wrestlemania. They wouldn’t have bothered giving him any kind of push when he arrived. Will Christian get a run with one of the major titles (WWE or World)? Probably not, but it is not because WWE wants to punish Christian for going to TNA.

Point 3. Jack Swagger is not defending the ECW Title at Wrestlemania barring some cheesy last minute booking. Therefore, Kane beating Chavo Guerrero for the ECW Title in eight seconds will remain the only ECW Title match in history as well as the shortest Mania match in history. Ever since Swagger beat Christian in that awesome 30 minute match on ECW, he’s barely been on TV at all. What the hell is going on here? You mean to tell me they couldn’t set up Swagger-Dreamer for Wrestlemania to follow up on Dreamer’s retirement storyline even if were only a five minute match. Bullshit.

Point 4. Chris Jericho deserves better than this shit. Rinse. Repeat. How much better? Let’s go back to the night Randy Orton gave Vince McMahon The Randy Orton Super Magic Mega Kick of Final Ultimate Death. Earlier that night, Stephanie McMahon had slapped Randy Orton in her office. Chris Jericho was trying to get his job back after being fired previously. They had built up a storyline between Jericho and Stephanie over several weeks. They started the story with Orton that night. That night, they ended the Jericho with his emasculation and humiliation for NOTHING. Imagine if instead of humiliating himself that night, what if they had Jericho take out Vince McMahon right there in front of Stephanie? WWE could still have Orton win the Royal Rumble, but did they really need to use him for this? If they take a similar road with Jericho to Mania, we get Triple H v. Jericho and probably Cena v. Orton. Let’s be honest, the original Cena-Orton storyline never had a proper conclusion. I know I’d be far more excited for that than what we got, not that what we have is bad. It’s just….sigh.

Point 5. Don West as a heel has calmed down lately but he’s still a heel. I think TNA realized they screwed up the original heel turn with him going so over the top with it. With Tazz out there now, he might really be in the hotseat as far as keeping his job as color commentator.

Point 6. Greg Helms comes back from an injured neck, wins two matches, loses a US Title match against then champion Shelton Benjamin, disappears and then appears just to get squashed by Clodimir Kozlov and then beaten up by Matt Hardy after Hardy’s heel turn. Greg Helms got a better push when he was injured. I’m just sayin’

Point 7. TNA listened! CRAZY DAFFNEY IS BACK! wOOt!

Point 8. Why does TNA insist on calling Roxxi “The Hardcore Knockout” when since they started calling her that in those cheesy Rough Cut segments, she hasn’t done anything in the ring or out that would be described as Hardcore?

Point 9. I wonder if Kelly Kelly talks to Johnny Ace on occasion, and if she does, I wonder if she thinks about the fact that the only reason she has a job in WWE is because Johnny jerked himself off to her swimsuit pics. I don’t get the appeal honestly. I never could get into talentless poster girls for anorexia that look like what would happen if Bastion Booger had a child with Mae Young and then that kid fucked a greyhound.

Point 10. Scott Steiner should have his own radio show. Stop wrestling, Big Poppa Pump, you don’t need it anymore. Give that man a live microphone and a topic on satellite radio (censors suck). He’d draw ratings and make money, and thats what matters.

Point 11. Fuck Twitter. That is all.

Point 12. Now that I think about it, there is one thing I want out of the 25 Diva Battle Royal at Wrestlemania. A long time ago, when Miss America pageants actually meant something, the end of the show would have Bert Parks sing “There She Is, Miss America” to the winner of the dog and pony show. This year, when the winner is declared Miss Wrestlemania, I don’t care who wins it Santino Marella should be right there to sing “There She Is, Miss Wrestlemania”

Point 13.  Speaking of Divas, I wonder if WWE will have the gall to call Gail Kim’s finisher The Happy Ending like TNA did.

Point 14. I like the angry, focused, violent, merciless Samoa Joe. Its the passion we didn’t see out of Joe since getting fucked over by UberAngle time after time until last year’s Lockdown when Joe finally beat Angle for the title and hardly anyone cared.

Point 15. A few years, when Abyss was a monster and not a neutered puppy dog, Abyss won/earned approximately ten Number One Contenderships to the World Title. I think he’s still owed two or three World Title matches.

Point 16. Lockdown sucks. Lockdown is the all-cage pay-per-view. Cage matches are supposed to settle feuds once and for all. Cage matches aren’t supposed to be the start of feuds or midcard fodder. TNA’s Lockdown pay-per-view may seem like a good idea on paper except for one thing. Cage matches lose their luster over a long night of cage match after cage match, especially if you double up on it by adding an extra gimmick, even more so if the gimmick is beyond stupid. The Xscape match, also known as, the TNA X-Division Title clusterscrew TNA puts on because they can’t be bothered to even attempt a half-decent storyline with the X-Division has become a TNA tradition at this event and its always lame. They’ve had an “electrified” cage. They’ve put unnecessary gimmicks in a cage, a blindfold match, an arm wrestling match. Last year, the worst happened. Cuffed in the Cage. This was one of the stupidest things I have ever seen. Win the match by chaining everyone up to the wall like its a slave den. The sad part? I’m sure TNA can and will introduce an even worse gimmick this time.

Point 17. Jay Cutler has been traded from the Denver Broncos to the Chicago Bears. I am a fan of the Minnesota Vikings. The Vikings have a SuperBowl caliber defense, one of the best offensive lines in the NFL, and Adrian Peterson carrying the ball. The Vikings are basically a good quarterback away from being legit Super Bowl contenders. The Vikings have failed experiment Tavaris Jackson and traded for Sage Rosenfels in the offseason. It pains me to see Jeff Garcia and Byron Leftwich out there looking for jobs and the Vikes settle for what they got. It pains me just as much that they didn’t seen to even make a play for Jay Cutler. It just sickens me.

Point 18. I don’t try to be funny. If I actually try to be funny, I can’t come up with anything. I’m told people find my rants hilarious, but don’t think its because I’m good at it. I just get pissed off and either write about it or rant about it. I figure it has to be better than caving in someone’s skull with a tire iron, though there are quite a few people I can think that certainly deserve that and worse.

Next week, when I do another one of these (maybe), I’ll have my favorite kind of cheese (for sure this time), The Brian Kendrick’s forgotten awesomeness, my dream of a last place New York Yankees team, and oh yeah……….Chris Benoit.

The End of The Universe

Every week, between what I witness from working at a grocery store, what I see in wrestling, in the news, in entertainment, and everywhere else, I see things that make me worry about the state of humanity. People, stories, and objects that remind me just how stupid we all are. It makes me realize why aliens haven’t come down here looking for intelligent life. We don’t friggin’ have any. These are three of the many signs of the end. THE END OF THE UNIVERSE!

1. 1-877-Kars-For-Kids (That’s Kars with a K!) Now there is nothing wrong with charity and I’m all for helping out the kids that need it, though I do wonder where the flying fuck these charities were at when I was growing up. I have one issue really, its the jingle/commerical. I wish them all the luck in the world, but this jingle is one of the most ridiculous things ever. EVER! Listen to it here.   Tell me that isn’t mind numbing. They start with the little kid, then the adult, then the 501c3 bullshit (as if anyone who dosen’t already know what it is would know), then them together. I hear this on the radio at least three times a day and that four times too many. This isn’t the worst jingle by far, but it is certainly the most annoying and honestly make me wonder why people would think a corny song would be enough to make me give them a car.

2. I truly have no words for this. I refuse to believe that someone could actually be this stupid. I heard about this story listening to the radio on my way home from work. I got home and immediately Google’d it and found the story. Apparently, a woman had locked herself in her car and could not get out because nothing electrical was working in the car. She had to call 911 and the operator explained to her how she could get out. There’s even audio of the call in the link from the Orlando Sentinel. Here’s the actual story…

I only hope and pray that she dosen’t have or ever has children.

3. Last time, I brought you the disturbing canned bacon. I have found something even more disturbing than that. I could not believe my eyes when I noticed this in the freezer. I do not normally work in the frozen food section so I never really noticed it but there it was. I couldn’t fathom its existence. I walked away in disgust. I couldn’t believe it. Here it is…..

Sweet Corn Ice Cream……truly disgusting. If there are two types of food that shouldn’t be together its corn and ice cream.

I worry for us all.

Until next time….

G-Bag

Tags: Anger Management, Chris Jericho, Decent Chance, Family Guy, Fart Jokes, Hbk, Hogan, Hulkamaniac, Hype, Japanese Anime, Jew, Profanity, Ric Flair, Ricky The Dragon Steamboat, Roddy Piper, Rowdy Roddy Piper, Superfly, Taco Bell, Taking A Dump, Undertaker, Wrestlemania, Wwe

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