Anger Management – Episode 1

By Green Teabagger | March 28th, 2009

PARENTAL ADVISORY:  Green Teabagger’s thoughts are not safe for work. They’re probably not safe for home either. Hell, Green Teabagger himself isn’t safe for work. The following is a pile of mostly wrestling-related profanity filled rants, thoughts, beliefs, and ideas that I have whether I’m watching wrestling, at work, at home, watching cheesy Japanese anime, making fart jokes, and/or taking a dump after eating dinner at Taco Bell. There’s a fairly decent chance I’m wrong about something, but screw it. It’s my head. They’re my thoughts so I run with it. You’ve been warned.

Our humble leader, ThinkSoJoe, decided to allow me the right to post shit on VRWHBG (good grief, thats a lot of initials)

I’m guessing its because of the evergrowing monster that has become Kurt Angle’s intro whenever he comes out on Impact that appears on World Wrestling Insanity’s Impact Message Board, he enjoys my cynical/angry view on things, or he’s on drugs. Either way, I’ll run with it.

 

Here is the current version of the Angle intro (usually updated on a weekly basis)

OMFG! Hey look, it’s The Greatest Wrestler of All Time, Best Wrestler Alive Today, 34-time World Champion, 163-time Tag Team Champion (148 of which he carried a partner, of those 3 he held with a midget as a partner, one reign where his partner was a blind three-legged alligator with lockjaw, rabies, and hepatitis B, and Spider-Man (contractually obligated to do so by Universal Studios Florida)), The Greatest X-Division Champion of All Time, Greatest IWGP Champion of All Time, former Knockouts Champion, 4-time Winner of the Jeremy Borash Award for TNA’s Sexiest Bachelor, Father of the Year, Time Magazine Man of the Year, 3-time Emmy Award Winning, 2-time Grammy Award Winner, Academy Award Nominated, Four Star French Chef, 39-time winner of the Annual Kurt Angle Great American Award (only other time awarded to JBL), Nobel Prize recipient in the fields of Physics and Literature, three-time NHL MVP, Masters Champion, the only person to win a World Series of Poker event with an UNO deck, the only American to ever be Prime Minister of Canada, recipient of the the Lifetime Acheivement Award for Outstanding Accomplishments in the Field of Excellence, the only man to ever beat Chuck Norris in a fight, reigning World Record Holder for eating the most sticks of butter in under eight minutes, once bowled four perfect games in a row then bowled a 400, the face on the $40 bill, American Idol winner, saved a bunch of money by changing his car insurance to Progressive (made Geico Gecko tap out in six minutes), replaced James Guttman as The Black Scorpion in WCW, 4-time Tiddlywinks Champion in Mrs. Biederman’s kindergarten class, 2-time Obie award winner for his riveting performances in The Vagina Monologues, Level 80 on Hello Kitty Island Adventure, has America’s highest Credit Score (8 billion), recieved the NAACP Humanitarian Award for beating up Al Sharpton, can cabbage fart the National Anthem, Adult Video News Award Winner for Best Male Newcomer, Performer of the Year-Gay Video, Transsexual Performer of the Year, Best Anal Sex Scene, Best Oral Sex Scene–Video, Best Threeway Sex Scene–Video, Best Interracial Release, Best Supporting Actor–Film, Best BiSexual/Gay Video, Best Couples Sex Scene (w/Karen Angle), World’s Greatest Grandma (has the mug to prove it), who correctly predicted all 63 games of the NCAA Tournament each of the last twelve years (obviously won every NCAA pool he was in), Tiger Beat Hottie of the Decade [SIDE NOTE: Edge and Christian must be pissed], 6-time National Double Dutch champion, Olympic Gold Medalist and All-Around Super Ultra Mega God Kurt BAH GAWD Angle!

Yeah, I’m insane. I also get pissed off, and that’s about as wordy as I get. I’ve got some catching up to do…..In no particular order…..

Point 1. I was going to call the Points “Rounds” but that would draw John Cena 12 Rounds jokes I don’t feel like putting up with.

Point 2. Speaking of UberCena and his new movie. Attn WWE: No one gives a shit about the background of the characters before its released. It won’t make Cena’s fans want to see it because they were going to go anyway, and those of us who didn’t want to see it are just going to be further motivated NOT to go see it, like myself. I personally would rather light a ten dollar bill on fire. The cost is the same as the movie, and I’d probably be more entertained.

Point 3. How in the hell does TNA expect its fans to take anyone that isn’t Rhino or a Dudley in The Frontline seriosuly when Kurt Angle devours 8 1/2 people in a matter of minutes on Impact? I get that Angle is TNA’s top star but there is no reason to humiliate people just to sate that dick’s ego. Speaking of dicks, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised since these are the same people who lowballed Gail Kim when her contract came up, the woman TNA built the Knockout Division around, and then turned around and gave more money than they offered Gail Kim to some Survivor whore because Kurt Angle has a boner for her. Jenna something? The only thing I know about her is she was the butterface that stripped for peanut butter. I don’t know what her name is, and I don’t give a damn.

Point 4. Let me get this straight TNA. You have two beautiful talented women in Cheerleader Melissa (Raisha Saeed) and “The Governor” (Daffney) and they get covered up like nuns, and yet a fugly skank like Rhaka Khan gets to run around half naked with enough make-up on to make the late Tammy Faye Bakker flinch. Good grief.

Point 5. Speaking of Daffney…..”The Governor” Really? People stopped giving a shit about Sarah Palin approximately two seconds after Barack Obama won the election, and you still pushed this gimmick down our throats. Let the Queen of Scream reclaim her throne!

Point 6. Wrestlemania is going to cost $55 this year. I’m not that excited for Hardy v Hardy, MitB, or either of the World Title matches. The only match I’m looking forward to on this card is Shawn Michaels v. The Undertaker. Even if its obvious that The Undertaker wins, you still want to see it. There is still that faint belief in the back of your head that HBK is going to end the streak. You had this feeling a few years ago with Randy Orton, and you even had it with Dave Batista of all people*, but you still “knew” The Undertaker was going to cash in another victory. So far, I don’t think I’m going to spend the 55 bones to see this.

Point 7. Chris Jericho deserves better than this shit. A three-on-one handicap match against Ricky Steamboat, Jimmy Snuka, and Roddy Piper with Ric Flair in their corner. This storyline started strong and has turned into monkey shit even with the epic beatdown Jericho laid on Ric Flair on RAW. I don’t know if the original plan was Jericho-Flair, Jericho-Austin, or heaven forbid even Jericho-Mickey fucking Rourke, but the payoff is a flat out disappointment.

Point 8. If there is a just and loving God, Buddah, Moses, whichever deity you choose to pray too, please let John Morrison and The Miz win the Tag Title v. Tag Title match against The Colons at Wrestlemania. John Morrison and The Miz were crap by themselves, but they have drawn out the best out of each other since forming a tag team and it should be nurtured and pushed seriously for a long time. They deserve it. John Morrison and The Miz are the best tag team WWE has had since Demolition. Yeah, I said it.

Point 9. Has Shelton Benjamin figured it out yet? This is the fifth year in a row that he’s been in the Money in the Bank match. In fact, he’s the only person who has been in all of them. When will Blondie Benjamin figure out that there is a reason why he hasn’t moved up the WM card in five years? Or will he ever?

Point 10. Mark Henry is in Money in the Bank. Imagine the horror when he is on the top of the ladder and someone tips it over. Exactly.

Point 11. I thought UMAGA~! came back? Did I miss something?

Point 12. ECW on SciFi, SyFy, Syphy, whatever its called…..is the best wrestling show on television. Screw RAW, Screw Smackdown, and double screw Impact.

Point 13. Please save Christopher Daniels. Frankie Kazarian, I’m begging you to heal as fast as possible. Please get Daniels out of the Suicide gimmick.

Point 14. The NCAA tournament is down to The Elite Eight…all four #1 Seeds (Louisville, Pittsburgh, North Carolina, Connecticut), two #2 Seeds (Michigan State, Oklahoma), and a pair of #3 Seeds (Villanova, Missouri). I’d get used to a lack of lower seeds in the later rounds. George Mason taught everyone a lesson, especially the top schools. Teams can’t sleep on anyone anymore. Pittsburgh almost found out the hard way against the #16 Seed East Tennessee State in the first round. Cinderella isn’t gonna be making it this far for a while. Hell, Cinderella isn’t even getting to the ball anymore. My own bracket was shot to hell thanks to Memphis and Syracuse not showing up for their games. I still think Pitino and Louisville are going to get the job done.

Point 15. I’ve been watching old AWA Wrestling on ESPN Classic recently….seeing a young Shawn Michaels was weird. Seeing a young Big Van Vader under his real name Leon White was out there. They showed a match between then “The Baby Bull” Leon White versus AWA World Champion Stan Hansen. Scary stuff knowing what was in the future for the two of them………..Here’s the Eye-Pop-Out Match Part 1 Part 2 Part 3  Good grief.

Point 16. Given the “Angle Intro” at the beginning of the article, you might think I have a lot of anger to vent about Kurt Angle, and I do. I just don’t have enough time in the year to make a full rant about that broken down megalomaniacal self-obsessed asswipe.

Point 17.  I think I need a better title than Anger Management. 

Next week, when I do another one of these (maybe), I’ll have Wrestlemania predictions, my favorite kind of cheese, Don West, why Lockdown sucks, and why I’m not that funny.

 
The End of The Universe

Every week, between what I witness from working at a grocery store, what I see in wrestling and in entertainment, and everywhere else I see things that make me worry about the state of humanity. Items, incidents, or just people that remind me just how stupid we all are. It makes me realize why aliens haven’t come down here looking for intelligent life. We don’t friggin’ have any. These are three of the many signs of the end. THE END OF THE UNIVERSE!

1. I know it happened over a month ago, but it still happened. The Arizona Cardinals were in the Super Bowl and were four minutes away from winning it. I thought I would be long dead before they ever sniffed it, and now NFL Analysts are saying the Cardinals might be a favorite to go BACK to the Super Bowl next year. Pure craziness.

2. Fast and Furious? Really? The world needed ANOTHER one of these. I can imagine the meeting for this. “Hmm, we haven’t beaten this dead horse enough yet. I know, what if we take the stars of the first one with the *ahem* star of the second one and put them together?! We can just remove the “The” from the title. FAST AND FURIOUS!” I thought “Tokyo Drift” finally murdered this shit once and for all.

3. Two words: CANNED BACON. CANNED BACON! Bacon that lasts for ten years………I can’t explain it, but there is something unsettling about this. Bacon doesn’t belong in a can. It’s just wrong. I can’t fathom the thought process behind someone wanting to can bacon. It took me years to get over the existence of soymilk (Milk does not come from a bean, damn it) but this is just traumatizing.

I only had one reaction when I saw it for the first time…..

Canned bacon…..I worry for us all.

 

 

Until next time….

*Mainly because from what I understand, up until the day of Wrestlemania and maybe even until a few minutes before the actual match happened, WWE was still deciding on whether or not Batista or Undertaker was winning this match.

This entry was posted on Saturday, March 28th, 2009 at 1:30 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.